"​We need heroes to become them!"

ALL Unisex T-SHIRTS $29.99

KEY FEATURES:

  • Illustrated by Donald Kent
  • High-Quality Print – Durable and fade-resistant, keeping the battle-worn look sharp.
  • Soft & Comfortable – Perfect for everyday wear or showcasing your Allegiance to the Alliance

SPECIFICATIONS:

  • Material: 100% premium cotton for a soft, breathable feel.
  • Sizes: Available in S to XL. (not for midgets or obese fans)
  • Color: Classic black with a striking illustration.

GENERAL HAVOK
T-SHIRT

Here’s an action-packed image of General Havok from the debut issue of The Adventures of Uber-Chad!...

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...Watch as he shows off his incredible strength by effortlessly smashing a Drone Tank to smithereens.

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GENERAL HAVOK
T-SHIRT

General Havok’s background is something of a mystery. Based on his physical attributes, however...

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...he is evidently descended from the especially powerful Hyboreans who came to inhabit the planet Mars. He first appeared in a viral video as a freakishly massive sixteen-year old named Marko Belaya—eight feet tall and built like a rhinoceros. In the video, he was seen carrying two fully grown oxen up a steep mountain incline in Crimea, one slung over each shoulder. Almost everyone assumed the footage was AI-generated or a CGI hoax. However, Alliance founder Rick DeBanks suspected other possibilities. Without hesitation, DeBanks boarded the Alliance jet and headed for Eastern Europe.

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BOOMER BURGER
T-SHIRT

Georgian Dean Truett Carty, a.k.a. Boomer Burger, is a massively obese man and owner of the Boomer Burger franchise...

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...​Frankly, he’s a human blob—indeed, the archetype of one, the perfected Platonic form. These are not “weightist” statements, mind you; they are objectively true, and the jovial Dean proudly refers to himself as such. His superpower is a combination of terrific strength, crushing weight, and—thanks to a uniquely elastic constitution—incredible bounciness. Indeed, his delicious Boomer Burgers may induce the regular eater to assume the same superpowers, assuming they possess the same sturdy alien constitution. Otherwise, they will eventually cause spontaneous combustion—preceded, of course, by many horrific stages leading up to it. Though in theory, this is not why they are called Boomer Burgers.

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BRAINSTORM
T-SHIRT

Evelyn Hue, a.k.a. Brainstorm, began developing her psionic powers at the age of ten. From the outset, it was...

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...​what the Alliance terms 'unilaterally dominating telepathy'—in other words, mind control. She quickly emerged as one of the most powerful and useful members of the Alliance team. Her biological mother, who abandoned her shortly after birth, is presumed to be a Hyborean Venusian. After all, Evelyn’s paranormal powers are characteristic of that breed. Rick DeBanks sometimes calls her “Headcase.” They don’t always get along. assumed the footage was AI-generated or a CGI hoax. However, Alliance founder Rick DeBanks suspected other possibilities. Without hesitation, DeBanks boarded the Alliance jet and headed for Eastern Europe.

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CLOWNWORLD
T-SHIRT

Clownworld is often believed to be the ancient son of the Egyptian god Kek—a father who would later become his...

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...​enemy. Clownworld’s mother is typically understood to be the serpent headed Kauket, Kek’s onetime consort. His conception is believed to mark the first and last time the immortal incel Kek 'had relations.' Like the Reptiloids, Boa possesses the chameleonic ability to appear in either human or amphibian form. In his amphibian form, he alludes to his conscious malevolence and lust for chaotic destruction by styling himself as a clown, complete with a multicolored wig. In human form, he appears as the nebbish, unassuming, professorial, and earnest-seeming Frank Boa. As Frank, he is a foremost academic in the field of nuclear chemistry and serves as the dean of Providence College in Providence, Rhode Island.

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THE C.A.R.E.N. - T-SHIRT

C.A.R.E.N. (Crime Alarm/Real-Time Emergency Notifier) – Highly vigilant, with tiny hidden cameras...

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...​​embedded at various points of their bodies, few details escape the C.A.R.E.N’s notice. This cyborg is designed to diplomatically, but firmly, engage potential suspicious persons and trespassers in order to dissuade unlawful entry into protected Alliance areas. In the event of escalation, she transmits a radio signal to jam all cell phone use within a six-hundred-yard radius. This prevents the dissemination of unwanted viral videos or other communications whereby she might be slurred as “a Caren.”

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DEUS VOLT
T-SHIRT

Deus Volt is, ostensibly, the angel Zadkiel. He serves as the patron, guardian, and guide of the abnormal...

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...​​​superhero team known as the Godgang, which includes Trad Cat, Ortho-Bro, and Flamer. Volt directs the Godgang in their service to the Lord, protecting and favoring those who follow His will. One rumor suggests that, though he does not appear publicly as a winged crusader of God, Deus Volt is in fact the United States Secretary of Defense, Paul Hyland. Much of this speculation stems from the curious Jerusalem cross tattoo emblazoned on Hyland’s chest. Deus Volt also takes his name especially from his “electrical nature.” Lightning emanates from his body at will, and he was once the preferred lightning hurler among "the Elohim," which includes the Lord and His angels. Deus Volt’s name, referring to his electrical nature, is obvious related to the Latin phrase Deus Vult (“God Wills it”). Naturally the angel does not object to this variant spelling.

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THE DEMONRAT
T-SHIRT

The Demon Rat is a wealthy billionaire 'wererat' and 'magician'—or, more precisely, a level seven paranormal...

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...​ ​In fact, he is believed by some to be the ancient demon Demogorgon. As such, he is thought to be a close minion of Satan, or of the Serpent King himself, Jeffery Wurmstein. Operating under the pseudonym George Sor-Sarris—pronounced 'Sorcerous'—in his human form, he dominates the financial world as a phenomenally successful investor, wielding the common 'magic' of insider trading. As the Demon Rat, he is a powerful magician who controls the entire rat population of the world through a specialized form of mass rodent telepathy. These rats commonly serve as his spies and informants; literally and figuratively, they are his 'rats.' Through scrying devices, the Demon Rat is able to see exactly what his rats see.

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E-THOUGHT
T-SHIRT

Originally named Fifth Wave, E-Thought was a hive-mind AI—an “E-Being”—created to control the Femoids...

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...​(or “Foids”), a cadre of elite military cyborgs invented by the SJWs. She was designed specifically to eliminate Chad and “his kind” (i.e., men). But now, things are different. Some percentage of the Femoids have fallen madly in love with Uber-Chad, only to be repurposed as C.A.R.E.N. units. As for E-Thought, her feelings are ambivalent—but definitely not indifferent. In fact, she’s gotten noticeably more friendly with Uber-Chad. This ambivalence has earned her the slur Astro-TERF—a term used by individuals as disparate as SJW, Trad Cat and Cartoon Nazi.

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FAKE NEWS
T-SHIRT

Fake News is an immortal, sixth-level paranormal Venusian turned E-Being, capable of mind control over that...

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...​particular breed (see Brainstorm). Yet, due to the ancient alien technology with which she has been fitted, she is far more powerful. Indeed, her helmet augments her paranormal abilities during face-to-face encounters, allowing her to reduce any Normie to a groveling, servile mess by projecting highly manipulative audiovisual presentations on her visor screen. But the helmet is more than just a visual weapon affecting those who behold it directly—it is a Psychonic Amplifier, capable of capturing her dreams and desires and broadcasting them broadly. This results in a subtle, low-level dominance over all Normies on the planet. Of course, she herself is dominated by the Reptiloids.

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THE FEMOID
T-SHIRT

Femoids—also known as Foids—are a class of female-shaped, biomimetic cyborgs capable of seamlessly infiltrating...

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...​​human populations. Based on analysis of captured units, it has been determined that they were developed by an organization dedicated to the extinction of the male sex—for "humanitarian reasons." Femoids are controlled by an AI hivemind, the 4B software system, known as 5th Wave. This would eventually become an autonomous E-Being known as E-Thought after purely platonic encounters with Uber-Chad (See E-Thought). It is believed that 5th Wave was developed by the abnormal SJW collective at Providence College, under the enthusiastic supervision of Professor Frank Boa (see SJW and Clownworld). Apparently, the SJW—who maintain an obsessive, inexplicable love-hate relationship with Chad—have taken to calling the Femoids "Beckys," or Bio-Electronic Chad Killers.

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GALAXY BRAIN
T-SHIRT

Galaxy Brains or Animarum are the mutated descendants of the largely extinct Hyboreans. After the appearance of the...

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...​​Reptiloid prophet Draco Vindex, the Hyboreans speciated into two radically distinct breeds, the brawny and mindless Grugim, colonizing especially Mars, and the hyper “spiritualized” and intellectual Galaxy Brains, colonizing especially Jupiter. The Galaxy Brains unique intellectual and paranormal powers allowed them to literally “blow the minds” of their adversaries by introducing thoughts and emotions so revelatory, the brain itself would spontaneously combust, exploding also the skull around it. Similarly, they are alone in having developed innate telekinetic powers, allowing them to move objects large and small with merely a thought. All of their spaceship are powered by this force which they call Vril or “the Power of Vindex.”

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GOD EMPEROR
T-SHIRT

The God Emperor, a.k.a. Eric Horne—here depicted in the flower of relative youth—is found advanced in age, ruling over...

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...​​the Free World in the first issue of Uber-Chad. Though he lived much of his life disguised as the not-so-humble billionaire businessman Eric Horne, he is an Abnormal of a particularly powerful sort. Indeed, it is believed that he is, in truth, the fallen angel Raziel. Though initially appearing as a Normie, Eric Horne assumed this form after discovering the trumpet Kereniel—believed to be one of the horns capable of calling forth the Apocalypse. In addition to this instrument—which can issue a blast of wind strong enough to knock down thick brick walls—the God Emperor wields his celestial storm sword.

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GRUGIM
T-SHIRT

Grugim is a massive abnormal, roughly 12 feet in height, and believed to be billions of years old. His powers consist of...

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...​​​extraordinary strength and durability. Yet, he is an abnormal of extremely low intelligence. His opposite, Galaxy Brain, is a level 12 paranormal, possessing a gigantic brain capable of incredible intellectual and paranormal feats. While Grugim is believed to be the last of a breed called the Corpora, Galaxy Brain is one of a tiny remnant of the Animarum. The Corpora and Animarum— which may be referred to as the Grugim and Galaxy Brains, respectively— are believed to be two radically bifurcated devolutions of the same ancient alien species, the Hyborean.

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HYPERGAM STACY
T-SHIRT

It’s all about the gams (or legs) with HyperGam Stacy. Stacy is a Mercurian Succubi Speedster— one of the very elite of...

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...​​​​Succubus-kind. Indeed, only one in every seven hundred Succubi is truly special—possessing that star power, that je ne sais quoi. Such a potential Succubus, once identified, is selected by the Reptiloids and given three bites. This greatly accelerates her metabolism, granting her the ability to move at astonishing speeds. Yet it also suppresses the emergence of the freakish additional arms found in Webgirls. The evolutionary goal is to conceal—at least to some degree—the repulsive monstrousness of the Succubi Speedster, so that she may better obtain elite Hyborean prey. Additionally, these arch-Succubi excel at mind control. Derived from Hyborean Venusians, for billions of years, Mercurian Succubi Speedsters are considered Level 6 paranormals

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IN-CELL
T-SHIRT

Jax Rodger, aka In-Cell, is a gamer, hacker, and abnormal evil genius. After attacking the SJW Femoid base...

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...​​in 2014, he was arrested for multiple federal crimes. Fearing his inevitable escape, the court injected him with a serum filled with insoluble poison capsules, all remotely linked to his cell’s walls. If he breached or exited the cell, the capsules would dissolve—killing him instantly. But In-Cell, with help from another villain, obtained a smuggled cell phone. That was all he needed. Within days, he orchestrated a drone assault on the prison, took control, and scavenged robotics to modify his cell. Now mobile, his armored cell boasts missile launchers, machine guns, robotic limbs, and rocket propulsion. In-Cell didn’t escape prison—he made the prison his freedom and will to power.

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